growth

on loving but mostly not loving ~

Mayuri Makwana

I just wanted to let you know I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t love you anymore.

I have grown out of you like I grew out of my favourite dress when I was 13.
I didn’t want to, but I did.
I think when you stop loving, you either stop loving them gradually or finally.
Finally you stop loving someone who obviously wasn’t right for you.
Gradually you stop loving someone who could have been right for you.
I think I gradually stopped loving you, almost as if I wasn’t meant to.
Now that I think about it, what does “right for me” mean anyway?
Who is right for me? Someone who’d have to trim their square sides off to fit in my circle?
No, you have forced me to believe that that is me. But I know I’m not like that.
The thing I like the most about people is how different they are.
Even when I’m writing this your words keep ringing in my head like accusations.
Accusations about who I claim to be but am not.
Maybe this is why I stopped loving you.
Maybe the thing I hate the most about not loving you is having to admit it.

That is why let me tell you today-
I don’t love you.
I don’t love you.
I don’t love you.

a conversation with God

Mayuri Makwana

feeling lost again
empty
maybe only lost
who am i
what am i here for
what should i do right now
should i sleep
should i take pills to sleep
because i slept all day today
to avoid feeling nothing
how to find the purpose
of today
of this hour
oh god help me
send me your angel
send me your demons
send me your enemies
not asking to send your loved ones
im probably not worthy
send me some hope
send me some love
send me a ray of light
or some pain at least
if you cant love me
abuse me at least
i yearn to feel something
even if its your rage
i can come visit you this afternoon
i have no plans
or maybe tonight
or maybe this weekend
just waiting for a sign from you
that its time for me to come
home to you
how long must i fight
before you realise
that i was never meant to
supposed to win
bless me and take me
this world is not made for me
it aches to talk, it aches to live
these people know not of love
they know not of me
they only know of arrogance
and ignorance
where this comes to them from
i know not of
why must i not give up
when all you have shown me is otherwise
you are the holy
and i have faith
i know you see my pain
there is no glory
there is no glory
just take me
just take me

We, the sinners.

Mayuri Makwana

From going to parties we don’t give a fuck about
to making love to someone who wouldn’t ever have the guts to ask us out.

We love. We sin. We fall. We learn.

The more we try to numb the feeling of being invisible,
the less we feel the need to live happily ever after.

After getting high we toss our shoes in some part of the sea we don’t know the name of,
losing something insignificant was just the start.
Then, throwing empty beer bottles on the ground,
we start laughing our hearts out when we see them break in a thousand pieces.
But we bleed when we step on them, heading towards wherever we want.
We leave behind bloody footprints
and learn from our mistakes.
Wanting to be found again,
we learn what comes around, goes around.

Then one of us says we should wait until we stop bleeding and our wounds heal,
the guy with the green hair refuses and says it could take forever.
It was difficult to decide whether we should move on or wait but someone said who cares and we moved on.
Being the prodigal daughters and sons we were,
with our riches, we make money rain.
Yet we spit on homeless people we come across.
Bare footed around 3 am we play hide-and-seek,
hiding our scars and seeking empathy to pour in our empty jars.
But we are too drunk to notice
and only wish we were sober again.

Wondering how beautiful the dawn would be at 7 am,
we find hope all over again.
But of course, we remember hope is a dangerous thing.
Never to love too much, never to dream too much,
never to hope too much were the promises we had made.
Yet in the 6 hours and God knows how many minutes we had known each other for, we knew we had to end it today.

Some of us fell in love that day,
we knew it was going to happen that’s why we carried the required first aid.
We help each other get over it and marvel at how similar were the situations we had suffered.
But back then we were alone and invisible, now we’re grown and raw, bold and loud.
We race as fast as we can to highest building we could see.
We stopped near the gate and decided to act sober,
the boys act like chivalrous gentlemen and the girls like the most respected ladies.
But we knew we were the fuckboys and sluts of the new age.
We hide our true selves but in vain.
We race up to the terrace.
Some of us win and some lose but nobody gives a fuck.
We feel our hearts beating fast and then faster than ever.
On the 108th floor, it truly was something of a different sort.
We sit down on the floor and confess our sins.
We laugh when we hear some and cry our hearts out when we hear others.
We are the sinners, the lovers and the misfits of today.
Oh the feeling of starting it all over again keeps coming to us, we ignore it and push it aside and curse it and blame it and hate it.
All seven of us get up and stand on the walls of the terrace then we sing our favourite songs.
Then one, two, three.
We jump.

(P.S: wrote this when I was 16, probably one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever written. Thanks to today’s writer’s block you get to read this! )

thoughts pt. 2

Mayuri Makwana

1. i think sometimes when you look at people in the eye just enough, you can almost see who they are even if you don’t know them
i dont know if i think its lovely or if im terrified of it

2. maybe i could be anyone. i don’t know who i am, maybe i am ever changing.

3. its so easy to be hard on yourself. (i could write a book about this)

4. why must people die
is it just to show us we are insignificant and nothing is in our control
its like listening to a beat that makes you dance but you can never hear it again.
finally finding someone that you love and losing them to death, oh what a broken heart you must have
what an irony, we try to control everything when we can die the next moment
if you knew you are gonna die tomorrow, what’d you do today? you should do that as much as you can. thats the only true thing that matters

5. oh, how insignificant are you with your assumptions about me, with the love you have for me that i dont need, with your rage and hate and disgust, with your ideas of me
oh how insignificant you are

6. i have been trying to get my heart broken since January of this year just to feel something

7. today i feel like how i felt when i was 15.
helpless.

8. if you stop loving someone because they hurt you, destroy you
was your love unconditional after all

9. this feeling of losing interest in someone who’s not good for you
how with every line they say that you used to adore makes you roll your eyes now

(part one link: https://mayurimakwana.wordpress.com/2018/03/04/thoughts/)

by myself

Ayushi Kenia

Lonely v/s Alone

It’s such a powerful and important distinction.

Having an awareness of this distinction is essential, I feel.

I experienced the power and impact of this distinction recently.

I was walking on the streets of Bandra one afternoon. I was on my way to grab a snack. I didn’t have company. I kind of wanted to be by myself, to have that time for myself.

I didn’t feel the need to listen to music while walking. Else, I’d generally prefer plugging in my airpods and listening to songs; partly to not let my presence on the road to appear “lonely” to the people around.

Have you ever done this? Put on music when you’re out alone, by yourself, just to appear that you are engaged in an activity? To not come out as a “loner”, as the word goes these days?

I have done that a couple of times in the past.

The fear of being judged- by strangers around me, the people I haven’t even come across in my life, and will probably never see them again- was bigger than my need to not listen to music and just simply walk around, unbothered.

That afternoon in Bandra, walking on those streets without music, I experienced freedom. Looking at churches, shops and traffic lights, I felt free and at ease. There was nothing extraordinary about these sights, but the plain act of me walking by myself, without any music changed everything.

It was so (fucking) simple.

It felt so (fucking) good to not think about other people’s opinions about my “lonely” ass walking around alone.

And speaking of, I did not feel lonely. I felt complete. And that felt right.

You see, spending time on ruminating about “what will people think of me if I do this?” will get you nowhere, and I am affirming this by experience.

There’s something cathartic about breaking the misconceptions that you have formed of yourself, and intentionally working towards perceiving yourself differently. Everything changes after that, trust me. And that’s one hell of an experience!