The thing about staring into a void while standing in the light is that the void seems more threatening, like it’s coming right at you to get you.
I think it’s because of the comfort that being in the light gives you; the comfort of knowing what’s ahead and behind you.
It is because of this comfort that the void seems monstrous.
But what if there was no light to begin with?
What if all you had known was the dark- the void?
Would it still threaten you?
Or would you dive into it?
I’m standing on a mountain top.
Battling with the thoughts in my head.
Pushing them inside, trying to close the door of my mind.
I am tired of thinking, overthinking. I am tired of talking.
I want to be passive now. Let nature treat me.There’s a ship in front of me; in the ocean below this mountain.
How quiet it is here…
I can hear the sound of the engine of the ship, the sound of the white ripples that the ship is leaving behind in the blue waters, making it look like clouds in the dark blue ocean.
The captain is making an announcement. Maybe he is thanking the passengers for trusting him with their lives. Or maybe he is apologising for the delay caused by some glitch in the control room.
I hear glasses clanking. Maybe some sort of celebration; celebration of arriving at the anticipated destination, or celebration of beginning a new chapter in one’s life.
The ocean below me, the sky above me and the mountain which bears my weight, are all making me realise one thing- to look at the bigger picture.
My thoughts have stopped banging the door now.
They are at peace.
I consider movies to be a great source of inspiration and insights. Movies give you a chance to experience and be a part of someone else’s dream and creativity.
These are some quotes from the movies and shows that I watched this year, that made me pause the movie, note them down and think about them for a while.
Umrabhar yeh hi karta raha; dhool chehre par thi, ayina saaf karta raha. – Ray (Bahrupiya)
Think we miss that touch so much we crash into each other just to feel something. – Crash
You like some because of their qualities, you love someone despite their qualities. – Mindhunter
That impossible anger strangling the grief until the memory of your love one is just poison in your veins. And one day you catch yourself wishing the person you loved had never existed. So you’d be spared your pain. – Batman Begins
Sometimes you realize that true love, in its absolute form, has many purposes in life. It’s not actually just about bringing babies into the world or romance or soulmates or even lifelong companionship. The love we had in our past, unfinished, untested, lost love, seems so easy, so childish to those of us who choose to settle down. But actually, it’s the purest, most concentrated stuff. – Modern Love (S1 E2: When Cupid is a Prying Journalist)
In a relationship you choose to be with someone who is inherently living in their own reality. – Modern Love (S2 E2: The Night Girl finds a Day Boy)
Mankind was born on earth, it was never meant to die here. – Interstellar
It was a typical weekday of September, with the sky at its bluest and the sun at its brightest.
Alice’s walk to the church blessed her with several beautiful sights.
(Someone said it right, “Safar khoobsurat hai manzil se bhi” – The journey is more beautiful than the destination.)
(What you just experienced was the death of the essence of that quote that got glorified in the translation.)
Simple sights like flowers falling from a gulmohar tree, marking the most dramatic exit,
the half a dozen kittens struggling to pin down their mother’s playful tail,
the homeless child singing a folklore while assorting her collectibles on the sidewalk.
“Is she really homeless though? Does home necessarily have to be a four-walled structure?”, thought Alice.
The church had its usual business going- people coming in and relieving themselves of their emotional and karmic burdens.
“It’s so difficult to be a God, with people coming in and asking for things from you or blaming you for the misery in their lives,” thought Alice.
Just as things were about to get existential, Alice caught the sight of a woman. It looked like she was in her 50’s. She was bowing in front of “God”, praying.
There was nothing unusual about what she was doing. But something did seem out of the normal. Maybe it was the woman herself, or maybe it was Alice’s perception of the woman.
She was slender, radiant and looked content. Why was she here then? Maybe she belongs to a different breed of people who come to God to simply thank Them for everything.
She had long hair, not that long though; the length suited her height and physique.
For a moment there Alice forgot about where she was.
That woman’s aura seemed more pure and captivating than the supposed divine entity above.
Alice allowed herself to slip into that moment where everything was bright, where everyday was a calm sunny day in September.
Alice saw and thought about what it would be like to kiss the woman.
(Didn’t see that coming right? Neither did Alice.)
In a part of Alice’s universe, they were already kissing. It felt good (and safe).
Like a sudden fall, something in Alice snapped.
“What are you doing? You can’t be thinking about these things here,” said Alice’s conscience.
“Ok, Jesus aside, didn’t all the other Gods procreate? Didn’t they indulge in what I was thinking about? I am born human with an innate sexual drive. It is nothing but natural, right?” reasoned Alice.
There was a brief moment of silence till the church bells rang.
If birthday wasn’t a concept, I’d rather it be a pinata. Smashing it just for the sake of it, and not some stupid candies would be fun then. A true and authentic birthday bash! Yeah, not the party kind, but the “aah, she hit me!” kinda bash 🙂
Now, how do you wish someone chirpily on their birthday when you’re going through an existential crisis yourself?
Dropped a big bomb right at the start didn’t I?
It’s something I have been ruminating about since a while now, considering the fact that I have several birthdays coming this month.
It’s weird for me to write a cheerful and positive message for the birthday girl or birthday boy (the way people are addressed on their birthdays makes me irk), when I know I may not really mean what I write in the birthday message *hides her face in embarrassment*.
I mean when you’re in a cynical headspace, it is difficult to forget about it and merge into someone else’s happiness, even if it’s just for a birthday message. Like for instance, I may not want to celebrate my birthday, which is justified for reasons valid to me. But is it necessary for me to carry forward those feelings to someone else’s “party”? Someone who has the strength to look beyond and live above the dread that fills (a lot of) life.
Ok, it’s not necessary per se, but it sure seems inevitable. And even if I bring myself to wish someone a ‘happy birthday’ chirpily, I do sometimes end up feeling like an imposter (for the reason mentioned above).
Here, I agree with Dwight (from “The Office”) who uses “It is your Birthday.” as a decoration sign for a colleague’s birthday party. In his apparent defence he says that (her) birthday is a fact, and that she did not discover a cure for cancer to deserve that one exclamation mark in her birthday sign.
Fair right?
Ofcourse, each to its own. But it makes sense to me; and I love how in that episode a birthday is celebrated as a matter-of-fact occasion and not as a surprise. It felt real for some reason.
Coming back, I am not sure if this is just a phase or my actual opinions on birthdays; but one thing I can say for sure is that birthdays do hold significance. They mark your existence. It’s a different thing whether you like your existence or not, and whether you want to celebrate it or not.
Either way, celebrate in your way if you feel the need to!
Cheers!
PS- Artwork details: Background picture (Pinterest- Art by Paul Bond) ; B&W man (Pinterest- Robert De Niro) ; B&W girl (Pinterest- Yayoi Kusama)
Why expect when you know that it’s not going to be that way?
Why cry for what’s never coming back?
Why back off when you know that it’s not going to work out without you?
Why be scared, for there’s nothing greater than you?
Why kneel to satisfy evil’s greed?
Why be bad when there’s so much good in you?
Why be silent when you have so much to say?
Why seek peace outside when there’s war inside?
I feel like an empty shore inside my head.
My thoughts are like the loud waves, gushing and clashing on the walls of my brain.
Do they want to come out?
It’s an empty shore above.
Quiet, yet noisy;
numb, yet surprisingly alive.
Can there be such a state?
The one with two extremes?
I think so, I think.
That’s part of the beauty of a human’s existence.
The amount and variety of things that we get to experience is unimaginable; it’s beautiful
(and scary at times).
The empty shore is as empty as the bottle of wine I had on December 20th.
The empty shore is as deserted as the icecream tub I had on the night when I decided to give up trying.
Tired of fixing things- within and around me.
“What’s the point?”, I thought.
“No one’s watching, I can give up. And rest.”
So I did.
Built a shack on the empty shore, and did what I wanted to do- Rest.
Lonely v/s Alone
It’s such a powerful and important distinction.
Having an awareness of this distinction is essential, I feel.
I experienced the power and impact of this distinction recently.
I was walking on the streets of Bandra one afternoon. I was on my way to grab a snack. I didn’t have company. I kind of wanted to be by myself, to have that time for myself.
I didn’t feel the need to listen to music while walking. Else, I’d generally prefer plugging in my airpods and listening to songs; partly to not let my presence on the road to appear “lonely” to the people around.
Have you ever done this? Put on music when you’re out alone, by yourself, just to appear that you are engaged in an activity? To not come out as a “loner”, as the word goes these days?
I have done that a couple of times in the past.
The fear of being judged- by strangers around me, the people I haven’t even come across in my life, and will probably never see them again- was bigger than my need to not listen to music and just simply walk around, unbothered.
That afternoon in Bandra, walking on those streets without music, I experienced freedom. Looking at churches, shops and traffic lights, I felt free and at ease. There was nothing extraordinary about these sights, but the plain act of me walking by myself, without any music changed everything.
It was so (fucking) simple.
It felt so (fucking) good to not think about other people’s opinions about my “lonely” ass walking around alone.
And speaking of, I did not feel lonely. I felt complete. And that felt right.
You see, spending time on ruminating about “what will people think of me if I do this?” will get you nowhere, and I am affirming this by experience.
There’s something cathartic about breaking the misconceptions that you have formed of yourself, and intentionally working towards perceiving yourself differently. Everything changes after that, trust me. And that’s one hell of an experience!
I was asleep, I was awake.
It was a trance.
Very peaceful.
Felt my energy, my aura,
flowing inside me.
Watching the pranic energy in my hands,
feeling its power, the vibrations.
The possibilities.
I perceived the universe.
My eyes remained closed.
I travelled through the ocean of stars.
Met the sun, felt its heat.
Worshipped it.
Time had come,
for me to return.
I thanked the Universe;
The giver of Life.
A mentor.
The mighty and the just.
I was asleep, I was awake.
Ari: Why do birds exist, anyway?
Dante: Birds exist to teach us things about the sky.
If we studied birds, maybe we could learn to be free.
What is it about birds that makes us think of freedom?
Is it the act of them flying in a colossal open canvas?
Or is it their ability to decide for themselves if they want to fly with or against the wind?
To me, it’s just their way of existing.
Is it their purpose? I don’t really know.
I don’t know what to call it.
But I think the reason why we perceive it, rather associate their way of living to freedom is because of the seemingly uninterrupted time they have up there.
And yes, the idea of flying is very eternal and soulful.
It’s actually a power that a lot of people want to possess;
I, being one of them.
PS- The dialogue above is an excerpt from the book “Aristotle and Dante discover the Secrets of the Universe” by Benjamin Alire Sáenz.
Breaking The 4th Wall 