The thing about staring into a void while standing in the light is that the void seems more threatening, like it’s coming right at you to get you.
I think it’s because of the comfort that being in the light gives you; the comfort of knowing what’s ahead and behind you.
It is because of this comfort that the void seems monstrous.
But what if there was no light to begin with?
What if all you had known was the dark- the void?
Would it still threaten you?
Or would you dive into it?
I’m standing on a mountain top.
Battling with the thoughts in my head.
Pushing them inside, trying to close the door of my mind.
I am tired of thinking, overthinking. I am tired of talking.
I want to be passive now. Let nature treat me.There’s a ship in front of me; in the ocean below this mountain.
How quiet it is here…
I can hear the sound of the engine of the ship, the sound of the white ripples that the ship is leaving behind in the blue waters, making it look like clouds in the dark blue ocean.
The captain is making an announcement. Maybe he is thanking the passengers for trusting him with their lives. Or maybe he is apologising for the delay caused by some glitch in the control room.
I hear glasses clanking. Maybe some sort of celebration; celebration of arriving at the anticipated destination, or celebration of beginning a new chapter in one’s life.
The ocean below me, the sky above me and the mountain which bears my weight, are all making me realise one thing- to look at the bigger picture.
My thoughts have stopped banging the door now.
They are at peace.
I consider movies to be a great source of inspiration and insights. Movies give you a chance to experience and be a part of someone else’s dream and creativity.
These are some quotes from the movies and shows that I watched this year, that made me pause the movie, note them down and think about them for a while.
Umrabhar yeh hi karta raha; dhool chehre par thi, ayina saaf karta raha. – Ray (Bahrupiya)
Think we miss that touch so much we crash into each other just to feel something. – Crash
You like some because of their qualities, you love someone despite their qualities. – Mindhunter
That impossible anger strangling the grief until the memory of your love one is just poison in your veins. And one day you catch yourself wishing the person you loved had never existed. So you’d be spared your pain. – Batman Begins
Sometimes you realize that true love, in its absolute form, has many purposes in life. It’s not actually just about bringing babies into the world or romance or soulmates or even lifelong companionship. The love we had in our past, unfinished, untested, lost love, seems so easy, so childish to those of us who choose to settle down. But actually, it’s the purest, most concentrated stuff. – Modern Love (S1 E2: When Cupid is a Prying Journalist)
In a relationship you choose to be with someone who is inherently living in their own reality. – Modern Love (S2 E2: The Night Girl finds a Day Boy)
Mankind was born on earth, it was never meant to die here. – Interstellar
It was a typical weekday of September, with the sky at its bluest and the sun at its brightest.
Alice’s walk to the church blessed her with several beautiful sights.
(Someone said it right, “Safar khoobsurat hai manzil se bhi” – The journey is more beautiful than the destination.)
(What you just experienced was the death of the essence of that quote that got glorified in the translation.)
Simple sights like flowers falling from a gulmohar tree, marking the most dramatic exit,
the half a dozen kittens struggling to pin down their mother’s playful tail,
the homeless child singing a folklore while assorting her collectibles on the sidewalk.
“Is she really homeless though? Does home necessarily have to be a four-walled structure?”, thought Alice.
The church had its usual business going- people coming in and relieving themselves of their emotional and karmic burdens.
“It’s so difficult to be a God, with people coming in and asking for things from you or blaming you for the misery in their lives,” thought Alice.
Just as things were about to get existential, Alice caught the sight of a woman. It looked like she was in her 50’s. She was bowing in front of “God”, praying.
There was nothing unusual about what she was doing. But something did seem out of the normal. Maybe it was the woman herself, or maybe it was Alice’s perception of the woman.
She was slender, radiant and looked content. Why was she here then? Maybe she belongs to a different breed of people who come to God to simply thank Them for everything.
She had long hair, not that long though; the length suited her height and physique.
For a moment there Alice forgot about where she was.
That woman’s aura seemed more pure and captivating than the supposed divine entity above.
Alice allowed herself to slip into that moment where everything was bright, where everyday was a calm sunny day in September.
Alice saw and thought about what it would be like to kiss the woman.
(Didn’t see that coming right? Neither did Alice.)
In a part of Alice’s universe, they were already kissing. It felt good (and safe).
Like a sudden fall, something in Alice snapped.
“What are you doing? You can’t be thinking about these things here,” said Alice’s conscience.
“Ok, Jesus aside, didn’t all the other Gods procreate? Didn’t they indulge in what I was thinking about? I am born human with an innate sexual drive. It is nothing but natural, right?” reasoned Alice.
There was a brief moment of silence till the church bells rang.
If birthday wasn’t a concept, I’d rather it be a pinata. Smashing it just for the sake of it, and not some stupid candies would be fun then. A true and authentic birthday bash! Yeah, not the party kind, but the “aah, she hit me!” kinda bash 🙂
Now, how do you wish someone chirpily on their birthday when you’re going through an existential crisis yourself?
Dropped a big bomb right at the start didn’t I?
It’s something I have been ruminating about since a while now, considering the fact that I have several birthdays coming this month.
It’s weird for me to write a cheerful and positive message for the birthday girl or birthday boy (the way people are addressed on their birthdays makes me irk), when I know I may not really mean what I write in the birthday message *hides her face in embarrassment*.
I mean when you’re in a cynical headspace, it is difficult to forget about it and merge into someone else’s happiness, even if it’s just for a birthday message. Like for instance, I may not want to celebrate my birthday, which is justified for reasons valid to me. But is it necessary for me to carry forward those feelings to someone else’s “party”? Someone who has the strength to look beyond and live above the dread that fills (a lot of) life.
Ok, it’s not necessary per se, but it sure seems inevitable. And even if I bring myself to wish someone a ‘happy birthday’ chirpily, I do sometimes end up feeling like an imposter (for the reason mentioned above).
Here, I agree with Dwight (from “The Office”) who uses “It is your Birthday.” as a decoration sign for a colleague’s birthday party. In his apparent defence he says that (her) birthday is a fact, and that she did not discover a cure for cancer to deserve that one exclamation mark in her birthday sign.
Fair right?
Ofcourse, each to its own. But it makes sense to me; and I love how in that episode a birthday is celebrated as a matter-of-fact occasion and not as a surprise. It felt real for some reason.
Coming back, I am not sure if this is just a phase or my actual opinions on birthdays; but one thing I can say for sure is that birthdays do hold significance. They mark your existence. It’s a different thing whether you like your existence or not, and whether you want to celebrate it or not.
Either way, celebrate in your way if you feel the need to!
Cheers!
PS- Artwork details: Background picture (Pinterest- Art by Paul Bond) ; B&W man (Pinterest- Robert De Niro) ; B&W girl (Pinterest- Yayoi Kusama)
feeling lost again
empty
maybe only lost
who am i
what am i here for
what should i do right now
should i sleep
should i take pills to sleep
because i slept all day today
to avoid feeling nothing
how to find the purpose
of today
of this hour
oh god help me
send me your angel
send me your demons
send me your enemies
not asking to send your loved ones
im probably not worthy
send me some hope
send me some love
send me a ray of light
or some pain at least
if you cant love me
abuse me at least
i yearn to feel something
even if its your rage
i can come visit you this afternoon
i have no plans
or maybe tonight
or maybe this weekend
just waiting for a sign from you
that its time for me to come
home to you
how long must i fight
before you realise
that i was never meant to
supposed to win
bless me and take me
this world is not made for me
it aches to talk, it aches to live
these people know not of love
they know not of me
they only know of arrogance
and ignorance
where this comes to them from
i know not of
why must i not give up
when all you have shown me is otherwise
you are the holy
and i have faith
i know you see my pain
there is no glory
there is no glory
just take me
just take me
Why expect when you know that it’s not going to be that way?
Why cry for what’s never coming back?
Why back off when you know that it’s not going to work out without you?
Why be scared, for there’s nothing greater than you?
Why kneel to satisfy evil’s greed?
Why be bad when there’s so much good in you?
Why be silent when you have so much to say?
Why seek peace outside when there’s war inside?
From going to parties we don’t give a fuck about
to making love to someone who wouldn’t ever have the guts to ask us out.
We love. We sin. We fall. We learn.
The more we try to numb the feeling of being invisible,
the less we feel the need to live happily ever after.
After getting high we toss our shoes in some part of the sea we don’t know the name of,
losing something insignificant was just the start.
Then, throwing empty beer bottles on the ground,
we start laughing our hearts out when we see them break in a thousand pieces.
But we bleed when we step on them, heading towards wherever we want.
We leave behind bloody footprints
and learn from our mistakes.
Wanting to be found again,
we learn what comes around, goes around.
Then one of us says we should wait until we stop bleeding and our wounds heal,
the guy with the green hair refuses and says it could take forever.
It was difficult to decide whether we should move on or wait but someone said who cares and we moved on.
Being the prodigal daughters and sons we were,
with our riches, we make money rain.
Yet we spit on homeless people we come across.
Bare footed around 3 am we play hide-and-seek,
hiding our scars and seeking empathy to pour in our empty jars.
But we are too drunk to notice
and only wish we were sober again.
Wondering how beautiful the dawn would be at 7 am,
we find hope all over again.
But of course, we remember hope is a dangerous thing.
Never to love too much, never to dream too much,
never to hope too much were the promises we had made.
Yet in the 6 hours and God knows how many minutes we had known each other for, we knew we had to end it today.
Some of us fell in love that day,
we knew it was going to happen that’s why we carried the required first aid.
We help each other get over it and marvel at how similar were the situations we had suffered.
But back then we were alone and invisible, now we’re grown and raw, bold and loud.
We race as fast as we can to highest building we could see.
We stopped near the gate and decided to act sober,
the boys act like chivalrous gentlemen and the girls like the most respected ladies.
But we knew we were the fuckboys and sluts of the new age.
We hide our true selves but in vain.
We race up to the terrace.
Some of us win and some lose but nobody gives a fuck.
We feel our hearts beating fast and then faster than ever.
On the 108th floor, it truly was something of a different sort.
We sit down on the floor and confess our sins.
We laugh when we hear some and cry our hearts out when we hear others.
We are the sinners, the lovers and the misfits of today.
Oh the feeling of starting it all over again keeps coming to us, we ignore it and push it aside and curse it and blame it and hate it.
All seven of us get up and stand on the walls of the terrace then we sing our favourite songs.
Then one, two, three.
We jump.
(P.S: wrote this when I was 16, probably one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever written. Thanks to today’s writer’s block you get to read this! )
I feel like an empty shore inside my head.
My thoughts are like the loud waves, gushing and clashing on the walls of my brain.
Do they want to come out?
It’s an empty shore above.
Quiet, yet noisy;
numb, yet surprisingly alive.
Can there be such a state?
The one with two extremes?
I think so, I think.
That’s part of the beauty of a human’s existence.
The amount and variety of things that we get to experience is unimaginable; it’s beautiful
(and scary at times).
The empty shore is as empty as the bottle of wine I had on December 20th.
The empty shore is as deserted as the icecream tub I had on the night when I decided to give up trying.
Tired of fixing things- within and around me.
“What’s the point?”, I thought.
“No one’s watching, I can give up. And rest.”
So I did.
Built a shack on the empty shore, and did what I wanted to do- Rest.
1. i think sometimes when you look at people in the eye just enough, you can almost see who they are even if you don’t know them
i dont know if i think its lovely or if im terrified of it
2. maybe i could be anyone. i don’t know who i am, maybe i am ever changing.
3. its so easy to be hard on yourself. (i could write a book about this)
4. why must people die
is it just to show us we are insignificant and nothing is in our control
its like listening to a beat that makes you dance but you can never hear it again.
finally finding someone that you love and losing them to death, oh what a broken heart you must have
what an irony, we try to control everything when we can die the next moment
if you knew you are gonna die tomorrow, what’d you do today? you should do that as much as you can. thats the only true thing that matters
5. oh, how insignificant are you with your assumptions about me, with the love you have for me that i dont need, with your rage and hate and disgust, with your ideas of me
oh how insignificant you are
6. i have been trying to get my heart broken since January of this year just to feel something
7. today i feel like how i felt when i was 15.
helpless.
8. if you stop loving someone because they hurt you, destroy you
was your love unconditional after all
9. this feeling of losing interest in someone who’s not good for you
how with every line they say that you used to adore makes you roll your eyes now
(part one link: https://mayurimakwana.wordpress.com/2018/03/04/thoughts/)
Breaking The 4th Wall 