books

a conversation with God

Mayuri Makwana

feeling lost again
empty
maybe only lost
who am i
what am i here for
what should i do right now
should i sleep
should i take pills to sleep
because i slept all day today
to avoid feeling nothing
how to find the purpose
of today
of this hour
oh god help me
send me your angel
send me your demons
send me your enemies
not asking to send your loved ones
im probably not worthy
send me some hope
send me some love
send me a ray of light
or some pain at least
if you cant love me
abuse me at least
i yearn to feel something
even if its your rage
i can come visit you this afternoon
i have no plans
or maybe tonight
or maybe this weekend
just waiting for a sign from you
that its time for me to come
home to you
how long must i fight
before you realise
that i was never meant to
supposed to win
bless me and take me
this world is not made for me
it aches to talk, it aches to live
these people know not of love
they know not of me
they only know of arrogance
and ignorance
where this comes to them from
i know not of
why must i not give up
when all you have shown me is otherwise
you are the holy
and i have faith
i know you see my pain
there is no glory
there is no glory
just take me
just take me

an empty shore

Ayushi Kenia
Sri Lanka, 2017

I feel like an empty shore inside my head.

My thoughts are like the loud waves, gushing and clashing on the walls of my brain.

Do they want to come out?

It’s an empty shore above.

Quiet, yet noisy;

numb, yet surprisingly alive.

Can there be such a state?

The one with two extremes?

I think so, I think.

That’s part of the beauty of a human’s existence.

The amount and variety of things that we get to experience is unimaginable; it’s beautiful

(and scary at times).

The empty shore is as empty as the bottle of wine I had on December 20th.

The empty shore is as deserted as the icecream tub I had on the night when I decided to give up trying.

Tired of fixing things- within and around me.

“What’s the point?”, I thought.

“No one’s watching, I can give up. And rest.”

So I did.

Built a shack on the empty shore, and did what I wanted to do- Rest.

thoughts pt. 2

Mayuri Makwana

1. i think sometimes when you look at people in the eye just enough, you can almost see who they are even if you don’t know them
i dont know if i think its lovely or if im terrified of it

2. maybe i could be anyone. i don’t know who i am, maybe i am ever changing.

3. its so easy to be hard on yourself. (i could write a book about this)

4. why must people die
is it just to show us we are insignificant and nothing is in our control
its like listening to a beat that makes you dance but you can never hear it again.
finally finding someone that you love and losing them to death, oh what a broken heart you must have
what an irony, we try to control everything when we can die the next moment
if you knew you are gonna die tomorrow, what’d you do today? you should do that as much as you can. thats the only true thing that matters

5. oh, how insignificant are you with your assumptions about me, with the love you have for me that i dont need, with your rage and hate and disgust, with your ideas of me
oh how insignificant you are

6. i have been trying to get my heart broken since January of this year just to feel something

7. today i feel like how i felt when i was 15.
helpless.

8. if you stop loving someone because they hurt you, destroy you
was your love unconditional after all

9. this feeling of losing interest in someone who’s not good for you
how with every line they say that you used to adore makes you roll your eyes now

(part one link: https://mayurimakwana.wordpress.com/2018/03/04/thoughts/)

untamed

Ayushi Kenia

Ari: Why do birds exist, anyway?

Dante: Birds exist to teach us things about the sky.

If we studied birds, maybe we could learn to be free.


What is it about birds that makes us think of freedom? 


Is it the act of them flying in a colossal open canvas? 


Or is it their ability to decide for themselves if they want to fly with or against the wind?


To me, it’s just their way of existing. 


Is it their purpose? I don’t really know.

I don’t know what to call it. 


But I think the reason why we perceive it, rather associate their way of living to freedom is because of the seemingly uninterrupted time they have up there. 


And yes, the idea of flying is very eternal and soulful.

It’s actually a power that a lot of people want to possess;


I, being one of them. 


PS- The dialogue above is an excerpt from the book “Aristotle and Dante discover the Secrets of the Universe” by Benjamin Alire Sáenz.