I just wanted to let you know I don’t love you anymore. I don’t love you anymore. I don’t love you anymore.
I have grown out of you like I grew out of my favourite dress when I was 13. I didn’t want to, but I did. I think when you stop loving, you either stop loving them gradually or finally. Finally you stop loving someone who obviously wasn’t right for you. Gradually you stop loving someone who could have been right for you. I think I gradually stopped loving you, almost as if I wasn’t meant to. Now that I think about it, what does “right for me” mean anyway? Who is right for me? Someone who’d have to trim their square sides off to fit in my circle? No, you have forced me to believe that that is me. But I know I’m not like that. The thing I like the most about people is how different they are. Even when I’m writing this your words keep ringing in my head like accusations. Accusations about who I claim to be but am not. Maybe this is why I stopped loving you. Maybe the thing I hate the most about not loving you is having to admit it.
That is why let me tell you today- I don’t love you. I don’t love you. I don’t love you.
If birthday wasn’t a concept, I’d rather it be a pinata. Smashing it just for the sake of it, and not some stupid candies would be fun then. A true and authentic birthday bash! Yeah, not the party kind, but the “aah, she hit me!” kinda bash 🙂
Now, how do you wish someone chirpily on their birthday when you’re going through an existential crisis yourself?
Dropped a big bomb right at the start didn’t I?
It’s something I have been ruminating about since a while now, considering the fact that I have several birthdays coming this month.
It’s weird for me to write a cheerful and positive message for the birthday girl or birthday boy (the way people are addressed on their birthdays makes me irk), when I know I may not really mean what I write in the birthday message *hides her face in embarrassment*.
I mean when you’re in a cynical headspace, it is difficult to forget about it and merge into someone else’s happiness, even if it’s just for a birthday message. Like for instance, I may not want to celebrate my birthday, which is justified for reasons valid to me. But is it necessary for me to carry forward those feelings to someone else’s “party”? Someone who has the strength to look beyond and live above the dread that fills (a lot of) life.
Ok, it’s not necessary per se, but it sure seems inevitable. And even if I bring myself to wish someone a ‘happy birthday’ chirpily, I do sometimes end up feeling like an imposter (for the reason mentioned above).
Here, I agree with Dwight (from “The Office”) who uses “It is your Birthday.” as a decoration sign for a colleague’s birthday party. In his apparent defence he says that (her) birthday is a fact, and that she did not discover a cure for cancer to deserve that one exclamation mark in her birthday sign.
Fair right?
Ofcourse, each to its own. But it makes sense to me; and I love how in that episode a birthday is celebrated as a matter-of-fact occasion and not as a surprise. It felt real for some reason.
Coming back, I am not sure if this is just a phase or my actual opinions on birthdays; but one thing I can say for sure is that birthdays do hold significance. They mark your existence. It’s a different thing whether you like your existence or not, and whether you want to celebrate it or not.
Either way, celebrate in your way if you feel the need to!
Cheers!
PS- Artwork details: Background picture (Pinterest- Art by Paul Bond) ; B&W man (Pinterest- Robert De Niro) ; B&W girl (Pinterest- Yayoi Kusama)
Breaking The 4th Wall 