The thing about staring into a void while standing in the light is that the void seems more threatening, like it’s coming right at you to get you.
I think it’s because of the comfort that being in the light gives you; the comfort of knowing what’s ahead and behind you.
It is because of this comfort that the void seems monstrous.
But what if there was no light to begin with?
What if all you had known was the dark- the void?
Would it still threaten you?
Or would you dive into it?
It was a typical weekday of September, with the sky at its bluest and the sun at its brightest.
Alice’s walk to the church blessed her with several beautiful sights.
(Someone said it right, “Safar khoobsurat hai manzil se bhi” – The journey is more beautiful than the destination.)
(What you just experienced was the death of the essence of that quote that got glorified in the translation.)
Simple sights like flowers falling from a gulmohar tree, marking the most dramatic exit,
the half a dozen kittens struggling to pin down their mother’s playful tail,
the homeless child singing a folklore while assorting her collectibles on the sidewalk.
“Is she really homeless though? Does home necessarily have to be a four-walled structure?”, thought Alice.
The church had its usual business going- people coming in and relieving themselves of their emotional and karmic burdens.
“It’s so difficult to be a God, with people coming in and asking for things from you or blaming you for the misery in their lives,” thought Alice.
Just as things were about to get existential, Alice caught the sight of a woman. It looked like she was in her 50’s. She was bowing in front of “God”, praying.
There was nothing unusual about what she was doing. But something did seem out of the normal. Maybe it was the woman herself, or maybe it was Alice’s perception of the woman.
She was slender, radiant and looked content. Why was she here then? Maybe she belongs to a different breed of people who come to God to simply thank Them for everything.
She had long hair, not that long though; the length suited her height and physique.
For a moment there Alice forgot about where she was.
That woman’s aura seemed more pure and captivating than the supposed divine entity above.
Alice allowed herself to slip into that moment where everything was bright, where everyday was a calm sunny day in September.
Alice saw and thought about what it would be like to kiss the woman.
(Didn’t see that coming right? Neither did Alice.)
In a part of Alice’s universe, they were already kissing. It felt good (and safe).
Like a sudden fall, something in Alice snapped.
“What are you doing? You can’t be thinking about these things here,” said Alice’s conscience.
“Ok, Jesus aside, didn’t all the other Gods procreate? Didn’t they indulge in what I was thinking about? I am born human with an innate sexual drive. It is nothing but natural, right?” reasoned Alice.
There was a brief moment of silence till the church bells rang.
I just wanted to let you know I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t love you anymore.
I have grown out of you like I grew out of my favourite dress when I was 13.
I didn’t want to, but I did.
I think when you stop loving, you either stop loving them gradually or finally.
Finally you stop loving someone who obviously wasn’t right for you.
Gradually you stop loving someone who could have been right for you.
I think I gradually stopped loving you, almost as if I wasn’t meant to.
Now that I think about it, what does “right for me” mean anyway?
Who is right for me? Someone who’d have to trim their square sides off to fit in my circle?
No, you have forced me to believe that that is me. But I know I’m not like that.
The thing I like the most about people is how different they are.
Even when I’m writing this your words keep ringing in my head like accusations.
Accusations about who I claim to be but am not.
Maybe this is why I stopped loving you.
Maybe the thing I hate the most about not loving you is having to admit it.
That is why let me tell you today-
I don’t love you.
I don’t love you.
I don’t love you.
feeling lost again
empty
maybe only lost
who am i
what am i here for
what should i do right now
should i sleep
should i take pills to sleep
because i slept all day today
to avoid feeling nothing
how to find the purpose
of today
of this hour
oh god help me
send me your angel
send me your demons
send me your enemies
not asking to send your loved ones
im probably not worthy
send me some hope
send me some love
send me a ray of light
or some pain at least
if you cant love me
abuse me at least
i yearn to feel something
even if its your rage
i can come visit you this afternoon
i have no plans
or maybe tonight
or maybe this weekend
just waiting for a sign from you
that its time for me to come
home to you
how long must i fight
before you realise
that i was never meant to
supposed to win
bless me and take me
this world is not made for me
it aches to talk, it aches to live
these people know not of love
they know not of me
they only know of arrogance
and ignorance
where this comes to them from
i know not of
why must i not give up
when all you have shown me is otherwise
you are the holy
and i have faith
i know you see my pain
there is no glory
there is no glory
just take me
just take me
Why expect when you know that it’s not going to be that way?
Why cry for what’s never coming back?
Why back off when you know that it’s not going to work out without you?
Why be scared, for there’s nothing greater than you?
Why kneel to satisfy evil’s greed?
Why be bad when there’s so much good in you?
Why be silent when you have so much to say?
Why seek peace outside when there’s war inside?
I feel like an empty shore inside my head.
My thoughts are like the loud waves, gushing and clashing on the walls of my brain.
Do they want to come out?
It’s an empty shore above.
Quiet, yet noisy;
numb, yet surprisingly alive.
Can there be such a state?
The one with two extremes?
I think so, I think.
That’s part of the beauty of a human’s existence.
The amount and variety of things that we get to experience is unimaginable; it’s beautiful
(and scary at times).
The empty shore is as empty as the bottle of wine I had on December 20th.
The empty shore is as deserted as the icecream tub I had on the night when I decided to give up trying.
Tired of fixing things- within and around me.
“What’s the point?”, I thought.
“No one’s watching, I can give up. And rest.”
So I did.
Built a shack on the empty shore, and did what I wanted to do- Rest.
I was asleep, I was awake.
It was a trance.
Very peaceful.
Felt my energy, my aura,
flowing inside me.
Watching the pranic energy in my hands,
feeling its power, the vibrations.
The possibilities.
I perceived the universe.
My eyes remained closed.
I travelled through the ocean of stars.
Met the sun, felt its heat.
Worshipped it.
Time had come,
for me to return.
I thanked the Universe;
The giver of Life.
A mentor.
The mighty and the just.
I was asleep, I was awake.
Ari: Why do birds exist, anyway?
Dante: Birds exist to teach us things about the sky.
If we studied birds, maybe we could learn to be free.
What is it about birds that makes us think of freedom?
Is it the act of them flying in a colossal open canvas?
Or is it their ability to decide for themselves if they want to fly with or against the wind?
To me, it’s just their way of existing.
Is it their purpose? I don’t really know.
I don’t know what to call it.
But I think the reason why we perceive it, rather associate their way of living to freedom is because of the seemingly uninterrupted time they have up there.
And yes, the idea of flying is very eternal and soulful.
It’s actually a power that a lot of people want to possess;
I, being one of them.
PS- The dialogue above is an excerpt from the book “Aristotle and Dante discover the Secrets of the Universe” by Benjamin Alire Sáenz.
Breaking The 4th Wall 