The thing about staring into a void while standing in the light is that the void seems more threatening, like it’s coming right at you to get you.
I think it’s because of the comfort that being in the light gives you; the comfort of knowing what’s ahead and behind you.
It is because of this comfort that the void seems monstrous.
But what if there was no light to begin with?
What if all you had known was the dark- the void?
Would it still threaten you?
Or would you dive into it?
I’m standing on a mountain top.
Battling with the thoughts in my head.
Pushing them inside, trying to close the door of my mind.
I am tired of thinking, overthinking. I am tired of talking.
I want to be passive now. Let nature treat me.There’s a ship in front of me; in the ocean below this mountain.
How quiet it is here…
I can hear the sound of the engine of the ship, the sound of the white ripples that the ship is leaving behind in the blue waters, making it look like clouds in the dark blue ocean.
The captain is making an announcement. Maybe he is thanking the passengers for trusting him with their lives. Or maybe he is apologising for the delay caused by some glitch in the control room.
I hear glasses clanking. Maybe some sort of celebration; celebration of arriving at the anticipated destination, or celebration of beginning a new chapter in one’s life.
The ocean below me, the sky above me and the mountain which bears my weight, are all making me realise one thing- to look at the bigger picture.
My thoughts have stopped banging the door now.
They are at peace.
Poets and writers are mad creatures.
Love us and we will write a hundred poems about you.
Hurt us and we will turn it into a rage and write a thousand.
Show us how evil the world is and we will write endlessly on it, making everyone else believe in what we saw too.
Leave us and we will feed off every memory with you.
You will forever live in sentences and words we write, even if you couldn’t live forever with us.
We will pick your favorite things and mention them all, shamelessly.
Details about you that even you forgot; things others wouldn’t even have cared to remember.
There is something about being completely detached from people and experiences and still being able to live it through words.
A gift that is unknowingly given to us.
We treasure these poems more than you. I thought you should know that.
I consider movies to be a great source of inspiration and insights. Movies give you a chance to experience and be a part of someone else’s dream and creativity.
These are some quotes from the movies and shows that I watched this year, that made me pause the movie, note them down and think about them for a while.
Umrabhar yeh hi karta raha; dhool chehre par thi, ayina saaf karta raha. – Ray (Bahrupiya)
Think we miss that touch so much we crash into each other just to feel something. – Crash
You like some because of their qualities, you love someone despite their qualities. – Mindhunter
That impossible anger strangling the grief until the memory of your love one is just poison in your veins. And one day you catch yourself wishing the person you loved had never existed. So you’d be spared your pain. – Batman Begins
Sometimes you realize that true love, in its absolute form, has many purposes in life. It’s not actually just about bringing babies into the world or romance or soulmates or even lifelong companionship. The love we had in our past, unfinished, untested, lost love, seems so easy, so childish to those of us who choose to settle down. But actually, it’s the purest, most concentrated stuff. – Modern Love (S1 E2: When Cupid is a Prying Journalist)
In a relationship you choose to be with someone who is inherently living in their own reality. – Modern Love (S2 E2: The Night Girl finds a Day Boy)
Mankind was born on earth, it was never meant to die here. – Interstellar
there was something about him. the way i wanted to devour
every word that came out of his mouth. there was a sort of mystery. i never knew what he is going to say. i hate that. not knowing what someone is going to say. but with him, it felt right. it was never wrong, never something i wouldn’t have liked. i don’t know if he knew me so well that he wouldn’t dare offend me or he was like that, just the way i would have wanted. he was just the kind of person you never run out of things to talk about. it didn’t feel like an effort.
there was something about him. the way i just wished for some honesty. there was a sort of mystery. i never knew why he always tip-toed around me. i hate that. not being able to be vulnerable around people. and with him, it was always like that. it was never about getting through, always about running away. i don’t know what made him like that, was it me or was it his life, i would never know. he was the kind of person you never talk about intimate things to. it always felt like an effort.
It was a typical weekday of September, with the sky at its bluest and the sun at its brightest.
Alice’s walk to the church blessed her with several beautiful sights.
(Someone said it right, “Safar khoobsurat hai manzil se bhi” – The journey is more beautiful than the destination.)
(What you just experienced was the death of the essence of that quote that got glorified in the translation.)
Simple sights like flowers falling from a gulmohar tree, marking the most dramatic exit,
the half a dozen kittens struggling to pin down their mother’s playful tail,
the homeless child singing a folklore while assorting her collectibles on the sidewalk.
“Is she really homeless though? Does home necessarily have to be a four-walled structure?”, thought Alice.
The church had its usual business going- people coming in and relieving themselves of their emotional and karmic burdens.
“It’s so difficult to be a God, with people coming in and asking for things from you or blaming you for the misery in their lives,” thought Alice.
Just as things were about to get existential, Alice caught the sight of a woman. It looked like she was in her 50’s. She was bowing in front of “God”, praying.
There was nothing unusual about what she was doing. But something did seem out of the normal. Maybe it was the woman herself, or maybe it was Alice’s perception of the woman.
She was slender, radiant and looked content. Why was she here then? Maybe she belongs to a different breed of people who come to God to simply thank Them for everything.
She had long hair, not that long though; the length suited her height and physique.
For a moment there Alice forgot about where she was.
That woman’s aura seemed more pure and captivating than the supposed divine entity above.
Alice allowed herself to slip into that moment where everything was bright, where everyday was a calm sunny day in September.
Alice saw and thought about what it would be like to kiss the woman.
(Didn’t see that coming right? Neither did Alice.)
In a part of Alice’s universe, they were already kissing. It felt good (and safe).
Like a sudden fall, something in Alice snapped.
“What are you doing? You can’t be thinking about these things here,” said Alice’s conscience.
“Ok, Jesus aside, didn’t all the other Gods procreate? Didn’t they indulge in what I was thinking about? I am born human with an innate sexual drive. It is nothing but natural, right?” reasoned Alice.
There was a brief moment of silence till the church bells rang.
I just wanted to let you know I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t love you anymore.
I have grown out of you like I grew out of my favourite dress when I was 13.
I didn’t want to, but I did.
I think when you stop loving, you either stop loving them gradually or finally.
Finally you stop loving someone who obviously wasn’t right for you.
Gradually you stop loving someone who could have been right for you.
I think I gradually stopped loving you, almost as if I wasn’t meant to.
Now that I think about it, what does “right for me” mean anyway?
Who is right for me? Someone who’d have to trim their square sides off to fit in my circle?
No, you have forced me to believe that that is me. But I know I’m not like that.
The thing I like the most about people is how different they are.
Even when I’m writing this your words keep ringing in my head like accusations.
Accusations about who I claim to be but am not.
Maybe this is why I stopped loving you.
Maybe the thing I hate the most about not loving you is having to admit it.
That is why let me tell you today-
I don’t love you.
I don’t love you.
I don’t love you.
If birthday wasn’t a concept, I’d rather it be a pinata. Smashing it just for the sake of it, and not some stupid candies would be fun then. A true and authentic birthday bash! Yeah, not the party kind, but the “aah, she hit me!” kinda bash 🙂
Now, how do you wish someone chirpily on their birthday when you’re going through an existential crisis yourself?
Dropped a big bomb right at the start didn’t I?
It’s something I have been ruminating about since a while now, considering the fact that I have several birthdays coming this month.
It’s weird for me to write a cheerful and positive message for the birthday girl or birthday boy (the way people are addressed on their birthdays makes me irk), when I know I may not really mean what I write in the birthday message *hides her face in embarrassment*.
I mean when you’re in a cynical headspace, it is difficult to forget about it and merge into someone else’s happiness, even if it’s just for a birthday message. Like for instance, I may not want to celebrate my birthday, which is justified for reasons valid to me. But is it necessary for me to carry forward those feelings to someone else’s “party”? Someone who has the strength to look beyond and live above the dread that fills (a lot of) life.
Ok, it’s not necessary per se, but it sure seems inevitable. And even if I bring myself to wish someone a ‘happy birthday’ chirpily, I do sometimes end up feeling like an imposter (for the reason mentioned above).
Here, I agree with Dwight (from “The Office”) who uses “It is your Birthday.” as a decoration sign for a colleague’s birthday party. In his apparent defence he says that (her) birthday is a fact, and that she did not discover a cure for cancer to deserve that one exclamation mark in her birthday sign.
Fair right?
Ofcourse, each to its own. But it makes sense to me; and I love how in that episode a birthday is celebrated as a matter-of-fact occasion and not as a surprise. It felt real for some reason.
Coming back, I am not sure if this is just a phase or my actual opinions on birthdays; but one thing I can say for sure is that birthdays do hold significance. They mark your existence. It’s a different thing whether you like your existence or not, and whether you want to celebrate it or not.
Either way, celebrate in your way if you feel the need to!
Cheers!
PS- Artwork details: Background picture (Pinterest- Art by Paul Bond) ; B&W man (Pinterest- Robert De Niro) ; B&W girl (Pinterest- Yayoi Kusama)
feeling lost again
empty
maybe only lost
who am i
what am i here for
what should i do right now
should i sleep
should i take pills to sleep
because i slept all day today
to avoid feeling nothing
how to find the purpose
of today
of this hour
oh god help me
send me your angel
send me your demons
send me your enemies
not asking to send your loved ones
im probably not worthy
send me some hope
send me some love
send me a ray of light
or some pain at least
if you cant love me
abuse me at least
i yearn to feel something
even if its your rage
i can come visit you this afternoon
i have no plans
or maybe tonight
or maybe this weekend
just waiting for a sign from you
that its time for me to come
home to you
how long must i fight
before you realise
that i was never meant to
supposed to win
bless me and take me
this world is not made for me
it aches to talk, it aches to live
these people know not of love
they know not of me
they only know of arrogance
and ignorance
where this comes to them from
i know not of
why must i not give up
when all you have shown me is otherwise
you are the holy
and i have faith
i know you see my pain
there is no glory
there is no glory
just take me
just take me
Why expect when you know that it’s not going to be that way?
Why cry for what’s never coming back?
Why back off when you know that it’s not going to work out without you?
Why be scared, for there’s nothing greater than you?
Why kneel to satisfy evil’s greed?
Why be bad when there’s so much good in you?
Why be silent when you have so much to say?
Why seek peace outside when there’s war inside?
Breaking The 4th Wall 