The thing about staring into a void while standing in the light is that the void seems more threatening, like it’s coming right at you to get you.
I think it’s because of the comfort that being in the light gives you; the comfort of knowing what’s ahead and behind you.
It is because of this comfort that the void seems monstrous.
But what if there was no light to begin with?
What if all you had known was the dark- the void?
Would it still threaten you?
Or would you dive into it?
I consider movies to be a great source of inspiration and insights. Movies give you a chance to experience and be a part of someone else’s dream and creativity.
These are some quotes from the movies and shows that I watched this year, that made me pause the movie, note them down and think about them for a while.
Umrabhar yeh hi karta raha; dhool chehre par thi, ayina saaf karta raha. – Ray (Bahrupiya)
Think we miss that touch so much we crash into each other just to feel something. – Crash
You like some because of their qualities, you love someone despite their qualities. – Mindhunter
That impossible anger strangling the grief until the memory of your love one is just poison in your veins. And one day you catch yourself wishing the person you loved had never existed. So you’d be spared your pain. – Batman Begins
Sometimes you realize that true love, in its absolute form, has many purposes in life. It’s not actually just about bringing babies into the world or romance or soulmates or even lifelong companionship. The love we had in our past, unfinished, untested, lost love, seems so easy, so childish to those of us who choose to settle down. But actually, it’s the purest, most concentrated stuff. – Modern Love (S1 E2: When Cupid is a Prying Journalist)
In a relationship you choose to be with someone who is inherently living in their own reality. – Modern Love (S2 E2: The Night Girl finds a Day Boy)
Mankind was born on earth, it was never meant to die here. – Interstellar
It was a typical weekday of September, with the sky at its bluest and the sun at its brightest.
Alice’s walk to the church blessed her with several beautiful sights.
(Someone said it right, “Safar khoobsurat hai manzil se bhi” – The journey is more beautiful than the destination.)
(What you just experienced was the death of the essence of that quote that got glorified in the translation.)
Simple sights like flowers falling from a gulmohar tree, marking the most dramatic exit,
the half a dozen kittens struggling to pin down their mother’s playful tail,
the homeless child singing a folklore while assorting her collectibles on the sidewalk.
“Is she really homeless though? Does home necessarily have to be a four-walled structure?”, thought Alice.
The church had its usual business going- people coming in and relieving themselves of their emotional and karmic burdens.
“It’s so difficult to be a God, with people coming in and asking for things from you or blaming you for the misery in their lives,” thought Alice.
Just as things were about to get existential, Alice caught the sight of a woman. It looked like she was in her 50’s. She was bowing in front of “God”, praying.
There was nothing unusual about what she was doing. But something did seem out of the normal. Maybe it was the woman herself, or maybe it was Alice’s perception of the woman.
She was slender, radiant and looked content. Why was she here then? Maybe she belongs to a different breed of people who come to God to simply thank Them for everything.
She had long hair, not that long though; the length suited her height and physique.
For a moment there Alice forgot about where she was.
That woman’s aura seemed more pure and captivating than the supposed divine entity above.
Alice allowed herself to slip into that moment where everything was bright, where everyday was a calm sunny day in September.
Alice saw and thought about what it would be like to kiss the woman.
(Didn’t see that coming right? Neither did Alice.)
In a part of Alice’s universe, they were already kissing. It felt good (and safe).
Like a sudden fall, something in Alice snapped.
“What are you doing? You can’t be thinking about these things here,” said Alice’s conscience.
“Ok, Jesus aside, didn’t all the other Gods procreate? Didn’t they indulge in what I was thinking about? I am born human with an innate sexual drive. It is nothing but natural, right?” reasoned Alice.
There was a brief moment of silence till the church bells rang.
If birthday wasn’t a concept, I’d rather it be a pinata. Smashing it just for the sake of it, and not some stupid candies would be fun then. A true and authentic birthday bash! Yeah, not the party kind, but the “aah, she hit me!” kinda bash 🙂
Now, how do you wish someone chirpily on their birthday when you’re going through an existential crisis yourself?
Dropped a big bomb right at the start didn’t I?
It’s something I have been ruminating about since a while now, considering the fact that I have several birthdays coming this month.
It’s weird for me to write a cheerful and positive message for the birthday girl or birthday boy (the way people are addressed on their birthdays makes me irk), when I know I may not really mean what I write in the birthday message *hides her face in embarrassment*.
I mean when you’re in a cynical headspace, it is difficult to forget about it and merge into someone else’s happiness, even if it’s just for a birthday message. Like for instance, I may not want to celebrate my birthday, which is justified for reasons valid to me. But is it necessary for me to carry forward those feelings to someone else’s “party”? Someone who has the strength to look beyond and live above the dread that fills (a lot of) life.
Ok, it’s not necessary per se, but it sure seems inevitable. And even if I bring myself to wish someone a ‘happy birthday’ chirpily, I do sometimes end up feeling like an imposter (for the reason mentioned above).
Here, I agree with Dwight (from “The Office”) who uses “It is your Birthday.” as a decoration sign for a colleague’s birthday party. In his apparent defence he says that (her) birthday is a fact, and that she did not discover a cure for cancer to deserve that one exclamation mark in her birthday sign.
Fair right?
Ofcourse, each to its own. But it makes sense to me; and I love how in that episode a birthday is celebrated as a matter-of-fact occasion and not as a surprise. It felt real for some reason.
Coming back, I am not sure if this is just a phase or my actual opinions on birthdays; but one thing I can say for sure is that birthdays do hold significance. They mark your existence. It’s a different thing whether you like your existence or not, and whether you want to celebrate it or not.
Either way, celebrate in your way if you feel the need to!
Cheers!
PS- Artwork details: Background picture (Pinterest- Art by Paul Bond) ; B&W man (Pinterest- Robert De Niro) ; B&W girl (Pinterest- Yayoi Kusama)
feeling lost again
empty
maybe only lost
who am i
what am i here for
what should i do right now
should i sleep
should i take pills to sleep
because i slept all day today
to avoid feeling nothing
how to find the purpose
of today
of this hour
oh god help me
send me your angel
send me your demons
send me your enemies
not asking to send your loved ones
im probably not worthy
send me some hope
send me some love
send me a ray of light
or some pain at least
if you cant love me
abuse me at least
i yearn to feel something
even if its your rage
i can come visit you this afternoon
i have no plans
or maybe tonight
or maybe this weekend
just waiting for a sign from you
that its time for me to come
home to you
how long must i fight
before you realise
that i was never meant to
supposed to win
bless me and take me
this world is not made for me
it aches to talk, it aches to live
these people know not of love
they know not of me
they only know of arrogance
and ignorance
where this comes to them from
i know not of
why must i not give up
when all you have shown me is otherwise
you are the holy
and i have faith
i know you see my pain
there is no glory
there is no glory
just take me
just take me
Why expect when you know that it’s not going to be that way?
Why cry for what’s never coming back?
Why back off when you know that it’s not going to work out without you?
Why be scared, for there’s nothing greater than you?
Why kneel to satisfy evil’s greed?
Why be bad when there’s so much good in you?
Why be silent when you have so much to say?
Why seek peace outside when there’s war inside?
I feel like an empty shore inside my head.
My thoughts are like the loud waves, gushing and clashing on the walls of my brain.
Do they want to come out?
It’s an empty shore above.
Quiet, yet noisy;
numb, yet surprisingly alive.
Can there be such a state?
The one with two extremes?
I think so, I think.
That’s part of the beauty of a human’s existence.
The amount and variety of things that we get to experience is unimaginable; it’s beautiful
(and scary at times).
The empty shore is as empty as the bottle of wine I had on December 20th.
The empty shore is as deserted as the icecream tub I had on the night when I decided to give up trying.
Tired of fixing things- within and around me.
“What’s the point?”, I thought.
“No one’s watching, I can give up. And rest.”
So I did.
Built a shack on the empty shore, and did what I wanted to do- Rest.
As always, I am late to the trend. This time for mason jars. I bought a mason jar a couple of days back. I stared at it for two days, wondering what I should put in it. I didn’t want to do the fairy light crap. I wanted to use it for drinking- what? I didn’t know. I didn’t want to use it for milkshakes or smoothies either (i wasn’t willing to clean the crap out of the jar, 100%).
Then, my very clever brain told me- why not use it for water? And I said heck yeah, why not.
I have been drinking water from my mason jar non-stop for the past few days. My water consumption has increased by 88% (no, I will not show you how I did the math).
Drinking from a water bottle? A bottle’s entire purpose is to hold water. What’s the fun in that? Drinking from a mason jar? WITH A STRAW? I could be drinking smoothies and iced tea in this. But I decided to drink something as simple as water. The special treatment I am giving to water, oh, I am treating that baby right.
Romanticizing something like drinking water gave me a healthy body, healthy skin, a healthy mind (I am no scientist but, I am sure there are other benefits too.)
I have learned if you romanticize the right things in your life- you will change your life. How? By increasing the likelihood of that good thing happening, just because it’s so fancy. I am no life coach and probably haven’t done half of what people do in their lives (or are supposed to do?). But if my lazy mind can come up with such an innovative idea, it’s safe to assume you can think of such simple ways to have a better life too.
I have never heard of a better deal than 79rs making me drink enough water every day. ( + more trips to the washroom = more steps 😉 )
1. who is your god? is it male or female? is it just a universe? a power? or hope?
2. have you ever been in love? did it punish you enough? and did it teach you anything?
3. i don’t know if you have ever kissed someone’s eyes, held hands while walking down a street, softly brushed the hair off someone’s face when they were talking- how often do you crave intimacy? and who satisfies your need for touch?
4. do you love your father?
5. do you like it when people talk about you?
6. what color is your toothbrush?
7. have you ever done something bad and actually felt bad about it?
8. would you kill someone if you have to? would you kill yourself if you have to?
9. when you get hurt by someone, where do you ache? your ears? your toes? or is it in your throat?
10. when you die what do you want people to do with your clothes?
11. does anyone ask you if you cry?
11. do you think that the world was just to you?
12. do you like holding soft toys? have you ever held a soft toy?
13. do you like the way lemons taste?
14. when was the last time you felt like crying but you didn’t? who are you trying to be brave for?
15. where do you fight your battles? in your bed or in your bathroom?
16. if you could buy love, how many rupees per kilo would you pay for it?
Self-actualisation, as stated by Abraham Maslow, is a desire to become everything that one is capable of becoming. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, self-actualisation is at the top rung of the pyramid. The apparent explanation for this lies in the fact that self- actualisation can be achieved once all the lower level needs are fulfilled. Now before you jump up and oppose this, let me make it clear that, that debate deserves another article. However, here, I would like to talk more about this desire that Maslow refers to- the desire to be more.
Can we actually quantify this desire?
What is more? Will that “more” be more after we achieve it?
Also, is it logical to define self- actualisation? Subjectively, sure. I mean how else are we supposed to navigate through our individual journeys if we don’t know what actualisation means to us?
To me, it all boils down to one’s purpose of existing. As gray and ambiguous as that question is, I think the journey towards self- actualisation requires us to challenge and question everything. By saying that, I am in no way hinting at a rebellion of any sort whatsoever; challenging and questioning your perceived reality.
On a personal note, having been indulging myself in this activity, I have come to realise and experience the magnanimity of life. The uncountable fragments of reality that exist around me make me wonder about the possibilities that we have been blessed with, with regards to working on ourselves.
Making sense of our existence is something that is going to take years for us to figure out, and I think that’s where the beauty of life lies. It’s going to grind us down, throw us up in all its cryptic ways; almost making us want to give up; but don’t, it’s just a game. Play along; you’ll grow.
Breaking The 4th Wall 