creative

on loving but mostly not loving ~

Mayuri Makwana

I just wanted to let you know I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t love you anymore.

I have grown out of you like I grew out of my favourite dress when I was 13.
I didn’t want to, but I did.
I think when you stop loving, you either stop loving them gradually or finally.
Finally you stop loving someone who obviously wasn’t right for you.
Gradually you stop loving someone who could have been right for you.
I think I gradually stopped loving you, almost as if I wasn’t meant to.
Now that I think about it, what does “right for me” mean anyway?
Who is right for me? Someone who’d have to trim their square sides off to fit in my circle?
No, you have forced me to believe that that is me. But I know I’m not like that.
The thing I like the most about people is how different they are.
Even when I’m writing this your words keep ringing in my head like accusations.
Accusations about who I claim to be but am not.
Maybe this is why I stopped loving you.
Maybe the thing I hate the most about not loving you is having to admit it.

That is why let me tell you today-
I don’t love you.
I don’t love you.
I don’t love you.

a conversation with God

Mayuri Makwana

feeling lost again
empty
maybe only lost
who am i
what am i here for
what should i do right now
should i sleep
should i take pills to sleep
because i slept all day today
to avoid feeling nothing
how to find the purpose
of today
of this hour
oh god help me
send me your angel
send me your demons
send me your enemies
not asking to send your loved ones
im probably not worthy
send me some hope
send me some love
send me a ray of light
or some pain at least
if you cant love me
abuse me at least
i yearn to feel something
even if its your rage
i can come visit you this afternoon
i have no plans
or maybe tonight
or maybe this weekend
just waiting for a sign from you
that its time for me to come
home to you
how long must i fight
before you realise
that i was never meant to
supposed to win
bless me and take me
this world is not made for me
it aches to talk, it aches to live
these people know not of love
they know not of me
they only know of arrogance
and ignorance
where this comes to them from
i know not of
why must i not give up
when all you have shown me is otherwise
you are the holy
and i have faith
i know you see my pain
there is no glory
there is no glory
just take me
just take me

thoughts pt. 2

Mayuri Makwana

1. i think sometimes when you look at people in the eye just enough, you can almost see who they are even if you don’t know them
i dont know if i think its lovely or if im terrified of it

2. maybe i could be anyone. i don’t know who i am, maybe i am ever changing.

3. its so easy to be hard on yourself. (i could write a book about this)

4. why must people die
is it just to show us we are insignificant and nothing is in our control
its like listening to a beat that makes you dance but you can never hear it again.
finally finding someone that you love and losing them to death, oh what a broken heart you must have
what an irony, we try to control everything when we can die the next moment
if you knew you are gonna die tomorrow, what’d you do today? you should do that as much as you can. thats the only true thing that matters

5. oh, how insignificant are you with your assumptions about me, with the love you have for me that i dont need, with your rage and hate and disgust, with your ideas of me
oh how insignificant you are

6. i have been trying to get my heart broken since January of this year just to feel something

7. today i feel like how i felt when i was 15.
helpless.

8. if you stop loving someone because they hurt you, destroy you
was your love unconditional after all

9. this feeling of losing interest in someone who’s not good for you
how with every line they say that you used to adore makes you roll your eyes now

(part one link: https://mayurimakwana.wordpress.com/2018/03/04/thoughts/)

How drinking water from a mason jar can change your life

Mayuri Makwana

As always, I am late to the trend. This time for mason jars. I bought a mason jar a couple of days back. I stared at it for two days, wondering what I should put in it. I didn’t want to do the fairy light crap. I wanted to use it for drinking- what? I didn’t know. I didn’t want to use it for milkshakes or smoothies either (i wasn’t willing to clean the crap out of the jar, 100%).
Then, my very clever brain told me- why not use it for water? And I said heck yeah, why not.
I have been drinking water from my mason jar non-stop for the past few days. My water consumption has increased by 88% (no, I will not show you how I did the math).
Drinking from a water bottle? A bottle’s entire purpose is to hold water. What’s the fun in that? Drinking from a mason jar? WITH A STRAW? I could be drinking smoothies and iced tea in this. But I decided to drink something as simple as water. The special treatment I am giving to water, oh, I am treating that baby right.
Romanticizing something like drinking water gave me a healthy body, healthy skin, a healthy mind (I am no scientist but, I am sure there are other benefits too.)
I have learned if you romanticize the right things in your life- you will change your life. How? By increasing the likelihood of that good thing happening, just because it’s so fancy. I am no life coach and probably haven’t done half of what people do in their lives (or are supposed to do?). But if my lazy mind can come up with such an innovative idea, it’s safe to assume you can think of such simple ways to have a better life too.
I have never heard of a better deal than 79rs making me drink enough water every day. ( + more trips to the washroom = more steps 😉 )