Mayuri Makwana

kaisi yeh dhun hai, kho kar bhi kuch na mila

Mayuri Makwana

we think that life is supposed to go in an “xyz” way, that “a” will make us happy and we need to stay away from “b” to maintain our peace of mind. and yet every single time we are proved wrong, so ironically wrong. that person we were supposed to grow old with, left. that person we thought wouldn’t ever come back, did. life is full of these kind of things that take a direct u-turn just when we think we are on the right road.

i have come across this phenomenon in many movies, songs and literature. this is more or less a short compilation of the acknowledgement i have found in art of this unusual way of living.

i. “kaisi yeh dhun hai, kho kar bhi kuch na mila”: this is a lyric from a song called “Dil Beparwah” by Ankur Tiwari and Prateek Kuhaad. i’ve always loved this lyric but never quite felt it’s impact on me until the last few days when i heard it again. so beautifully, so subtly the singer questions: “what kind of tune is this? i did not gain anything despite of getting lost in it.” i have found myself blame things, people, events for letting my expectations down. but that is truly so foolish of me- no one truly owns anyone or anything. even a melody does not own us anything, let alone people, places, events.

2. “you know what kind of plan never fails? no plan at all. if you make a plan, life never works out that way. with no plan, nothing can go wrong”: this is a dialogue from the movie “Parasite” by Bong Joon-ho. there were a lot of dialogues and a lot of scenes that have always lingered in my mind since i have watched this movie but this one was unique in its own way. it is honestly a very subjective dialogue. it can be taken positively and negatively. too much indulgence into thinking that you do not have power over things in life will leave you feeling anxious, lazy and procrastinate everything. if you do not believe in this enough, you will blame yourself for everything: “but i could have prevented it from happening” “i could have been better” – which is obviously not true.

3. “when you try your best but you don’t succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need; when you love someone but it goes to waste”: for those of you who have terrible taste in music, these are lyrics from a song called “fix you” by coldplay. we are always told if you give it your best, that’s all you need. but after facing so much rejection myself be it in a relationship, or a internship- i can confidently tell you it’s not true. i am sure you must have come across situations where you felt “but i gave it my all, why not then?”. well, for starters nothing is guaranteed and also, you need to start some positive self talk. these standards that are set are so absurd. life is full of change and uncertainties, accepting this fact is the pathway to nirvana in the 21st century.

there is one string that connects these pieces of art together: human nature. it is in us to hope for a better tomorrow, to hope that we can hope even tomorrow. we have seen this hope burn again and again, almost everyday. but i honestly think it’s tragically beautiful how we never learn. no matter how broken, bruised we are- there is a child in us who is reluctant to surrender, innocently thinking that once things were in control. how beautiful and sad it is to not give up but watch it go in vain.

on movies, empathy and love

Mayuri Makwana

“what do you live for?”
“good music, i think.”
“ahhh, so you are that kind?”
“hey, music is important! sometimes, i just close my eyes and i am in another world.”
“i think i live for movies. for a story, knowing someone, feeling what they feel and what they dream of, what they fear. i feel like i can connect to them.”
“you mean relate to them?”
“no, i connect to them. like, i feel i can trust them. it doesn’t matter if they are a good person or a bad person.”
“yeah, yeah i know your theory that no one is ever a bad person.”
“yeah so i can trust them because i know there is nothing more to them that i cannot see. i wish people were like that. i wish they could be honest and not hide things, their fears, their happiness, their love and lust, everything.”
“isn’t that too much to expect? i mean i am sure even you aren’t like that, you know, so open and honest about everything.”
“i used to be. weren’t we all like that? maybe when we were children.”
“maybe. i think as we grow up we forget to do things for ourselves. we think too much about others. even feeling empathy can be negative. do you think our empathy can harm us sometimes? like, imagine you want to do something but you cannot because you know exactly how bad the other person will feel. somehow you compromise on yourself, not intentionally but out of love. love in the simplest form, this love does not need depth, it’s just a sort of care.”
“i don’t want to think of love as compromising. love should free you and you can care even without compromising.”
“have you even been in love?”
“of course! i have and i have learnt. you should learn too. i would never want someone to expect me to compromise on myself for them. what kind of love is that?”
“oh god. it’s not something they expect, silly. it’s just how things are in love.”
“wait, stop. that’s your definition of love, everyone has a different definition.”
“i never said they don’t.”
“but.. but…!! you are doing this to me again.”
“what?”
“why do you always have to challenge my views?”
“wait i thought its a healthy conversation.”
“it was.”
“this is why i never talk about all this to you.”
“oh, fuck off.”

in my mind

Mayuri Makwana

i am sitting in front of you
you are talking to me and im talking to you, but in my mind i am free

and my mind is the only place free of love for him, from tiredness of you, from the heaviness of my shoulder, from the red in my eyes, from the fear of something new

free from questions about life, free from deciding what not to say, free from the shame of my mistakes and the thought of tomorrow

you can take him away from me, you can take yourself away from me, take all you want away from me
when you are done, you will notice that when i look at you, its not enough, when i talk to you, its not enough
and when you stop trying maybe you will realise that you will never have enough of me because you never had all of me
because in my mind i am free

feminism for dummies by a dummy

Mayuri Makwana

“feminist” : how did this become a taboo word? why was i scared to call myself a feminist before? why do people still feel scared of it? what is equality really?

the first time i ever realised that i did not fully understand the urgency of educating myself on feminism was when i was on a date. the guy, a proud feminist, asked me, “are you a feminist?”. i said no. shocked, he asked me- why? i did not know why. “yeah the damn coffee is taking too long now isn’t it? :)”
i just wanted to run home.

after that incident i asked myself, “how can you have an opinion on something you know absolutely nothing about?”. and i replied,”well, that’s a good question mayuri, time to google everything now isn’t it :)”

feminism: the advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.
me: WHAT,,, how is it equality if it’s about women’s rights????
I tried to understand this whole new and very important thing about life but it was tough; when you have already formed opinions about some things it’s extremely difficult to change them.

it was not until the Black Lives Matter movement that I understood feminism as best as i could. when one group of people started with the whole “all lives matter” bullshit i was shocked people could be so dumb. yes!!!! all lives matter but all lives aren’t facing injustice like this community is?????? so we need to help this underprivileged community over others. that’s when it struck me.

the demand for equality wouldn’t have arrived if things were equal. if something is not equal- one thing is less and the other thing is more. to bring equality- you need to give support to the less so that it can reach the same level as more. (SRRY 4 SCIENTIFIC TALKING I DIDNT KNOW I HAD IT IN ME IM PROUD OK)

in simpler terms, we demand gender equality because women are facing injustice based on their gender. to make things equal, we need to give certain privileges to women so that they can come to the level of men. we can’t take away privileges from men (oh what a dream though), so we must give women privileges- or to be honest, rights.

but if people understand this, why are they still scared of calling themselves feminists? (hello to my siblings 😀 )
feminism is anything but cool, have you seen the amount of memes? (some are quite funny, can’t deny that/ doesn’t mean I am a bad feminist if I can laugh on those memes). too many bad “feminists” have ruined the image of feminists in general. what people need to understand is that we are talking about half the world (3,903,066,575 or 49.5% of the human population to be precise). we cant control everything, we cannot control peoples opinion and their actions. we have no power over what people do. let me tell you one thing though: if you keep denying to call yourself a feminist, feminism will be reduced to the fake feminists because people like you who truly believe in feminism won’t be there to say “HEY BACK OFF, THAT BITCH DOES NOT DEFINE FEMINISM, FEMINISM IS NOT LIMITED TO PRIVILEGED PEOPLE LIKE ME AND HER. FEMINISM IS ABOUT UNDERPRIVILEGED WOMEN AS WELL WHO DON’T EVEN HAVE A VOICE. THERE ARE YOUNG GIRLS GETTING MARRIED OFF IN VILLAGES IN INDIA, YESTERDAY A WOMAN WAS STABBED TO DEATH BY HER HUSBAND BECAUSE SHE DECIDED TO CHOOSE HER CAREER OVER BEING A HOUSEWIFE. DID YOU KNOW THAT ONE IN EVERY THREE WOMAN HAS EXPERIENCED SEXUAL VIOLENCE? YES NOW YOU KNOW. I AM A FEMINIST AND I AM NOT GOING TO BE ASHAMED BECAUSE OF THOSE FEW WHOSE ACTIONS AREN’T EVEN IN MY CONTROL. GO EDUCATE YOURSELF!!!!”
yes, exactly. we need you.

and about me, that guy on the date would sure be proud of me now! i’m much more aware about what’s happening, what I must do and the importance of all this awareness. i am not perfect, just like you. i learn something new every day; i am learning to be better at this thing as well, to question everything and to get the answers too. it’s easy to get comfortable in your own life and not have an opinion about anything, trust me i know how convenient that is. but there are young girls getting raped amidst wars, raped in their bathrooms, touched by uncles; who frightened and alone, wonder why no one can stop this injustice, why must they suffer, are people that scared and involved in their lives to see them, to know how their frail bodies shiver at someone’s touch?

just want to end this by something to wonder upon:

we talk about the world being unfair to women. what about god being unfair to women? he gave us the responsibility to give birth. the pain, the periods, the hormones, the aftermath of it in the 21st century. how did he think we’d fend for ourselves when the other half of the world, our competitors in the survival of the fittest (men) don’t even have to go through this? in fact he gave them the power to make us pregnant- they get to decide what happens in our body. maybe this is where rape begun- men must’ve thought that they are superior to us because they can change our entire body. that it is them who can put ‘life’ inside of us- we are just a vessel, a medium. this power must’ve given them unimaginable delusions of grandeur. that they could and they must make these changes in our body, as though we are incomplete without them. almost like God intended: like the egg incomplete without the sperm: how it breaks, how we bleed.